- if it were up to me *

[ELODIE!]

L U C I E N

in light
of the
bleak
midwinter

spring was a mere few weeks away now, and lucien could feel it in the way the morning sun hit his pelt as he moved. the shade of the jungle had protected him overnight, but the stallion found himself breaking through the shadows and into the warm sands of kalei without a second thought. the island was reminiscent of jungle rock in a way he had never thought possible, giving way to the illusion that things hadn't changed much, if at all. winter had left it's mark on him in the way he wore his grief. in truth, more had changed than he'd even realized - the lack of other equine, for one. to be expected, he told himself, given the weather. the quiet was nice, though, and the son of charlie didn't pay mind to loneliness as his pale hooves found the water. he heaved a sigh, head dipping down to barely nose the turquoise ocean.

his mind wandered into the nothingness as he finally relaxed his muscles, allowing the sunlight to soak in with maw lifted toward the skies. the scent of others hung there. it was faint, but at the very least he knew others were close by should he need it. but he didn't need them, did he? luci had gotten himself this far, so what of it now? it was then that the brute scoffed to no one, silver eyes falling to the distant shore ahead. the loneliness he sought to shake would always become him, the better of him, if it could help it. as untouchable as he made himself appear, that was far from the truth, and he knew that. nonetheless, he refused to let that get the better of him now. the stallion shook out his mane out before his legs began to wade splashes against his belly and chest.

small, quick breathy snorts escaped his nares as he moved. more and more did the water soak into his coat. the dunalino's skin felt soothed, droplets falling from the corners of his face to wash away the speckles of sand he'd brought up. he picked up a trot, continuing into deeper ocean with nothing on his mind except the memories of olde that enveloped his attention.    

art by allyantidote
kota ahhhhh!

[kota]

INVIDIA

Invidia hadn’t always hated winter. In fact it was the kind of hate that stole over her suddenly, one that had gone unidentified for so long that it seemed mountainous by the time she’d sought to parse out the feeling. You see, winter highlighted what Invidia loathed most about her existence, which was a sense of impermeable loneliness that had settled over her since what may as well have been her birth. She was easily and often overlooked though not for the reasons one might think. She was a darling girl, ever the image of her starlet mother. However, she had this talent of going unnoticed. A useful trait for someone raised in the confines of a castle. But it hadn’t always been this way, there was once a time when she was still small enough for her mother to pay her mind. Ida would pull her close in the light of a dying fire on the chilliest of nights and lovingly dote on her. It was the only time in the entirety of her youth that she had felt treasured by her mother. When those nights came to an end she learned that she was on her own, and not much had changed since then.

She yearned for the warmth that came with spring and summer, when she would no longer have to curl in on herself to keep warm. So she relished in the dappled sunlight, stretching like a jungle cat under the canopy of trees. Kalei, with its tropical climate, had kept her from freezing throughout the winter. Though she would no doubt need to leave before the true heat of summer set in. On the long list of things that Invidia detested, the sticky feeling of humidity ranked fairly high. It made her miss the temperate weather at her grandfather’s lakeside castle, far away in the eastern heart of her homeland. She shrugged the memory away, no sense in dwelling on a past she wouldn’t revisit.

She was fine. She’d gotten used to her solitude anyway. Had stopped finding it strange that these new lands hardly harbored a soul save her own. It was something that she had accepted the possibility of when she’d left home the first time. And she had been alone long before she’d set her sights on different shores.

For a moment she wondered if the ocean’s currents had warmed the island’s water enough for a swim. The thought lingered as she picked her way across the landscape. Stopping momentarily to dip her rosey head and drink from a clear pool along the pathway, ripples skittering across the water where her mouth met its glass surface. Then she was off again, drifting across the sands toward the distant waves.

It was then that she realized, for the first time in a long time, that there was someone standing in the distance. The unmistakable outline of another being and a familiar shade of gold. But it couldn’t be. Lucien was long gone by now and she’d be a fool to think otherwise. She drew closer, navigating the dune with a surprising amount of grace.She halted again, momentarily rooted by indecision. Would he even want to see her? Did she want to see him? Revisiting the past is always such a gamble. He hadn’t spotted her yet. She could leave, turn right back around and sneak back to the mainland. He would never have to know. But she would know and she already felt wrought with guilt for giving any thought to ignoring him. While Invidia was often selfish with her feelings, going great lengths to avoid getting hurt, this was Lucien. This was the one person whom she cared about more than herself, not that she would ever admit such a thing. Lucien was a topic that she didn't allow herself to linger idly on these days. Her attachment to him once a living, breathing thing, now shriveled with rot within the confines of her brittle heart.

She started forward again, more purposeful, more assured. Her toes met the first trembling waves with quiet steps. She slipped through the water with ease, drawing nearer to his tan flanks. Her heart clenched in her chest. “I really wasn’t expecting to see you again.”

ELODIE! okay, i am PUMPED!

[ELODIE!]

L U C I E N
in light
of the
bleak
midwinter

as he played, it was nothing short of reminiscent of a child. lucien was studious in nature, but this was ... it felt good. he could hear his mothers laugh and feel the gaze of charlie as the waters splashed up against him, lost to the memories as if the world around him was not quiet. instead of standing on kalei as he had a hundred times before, he was back on jungle rock with his newborn brother closely in tow. calla, even, keeping a watchful eye as they moved through the dense forestry of their home. it had been so long now since he'd seen them all that he truly wasn't sure he'd remember them now -- his mind always grasped at the innermost depths of himself for the smallest glimpse of their laughs. and so lucien remained on kalei, alone, safely wrapped in the bubble he had created for himself.

"i really wasn't expecting to see you again."

the stallion didn't hear her approach, but her voice was unmistakable as it filled the otherwise silent air around them. it left nothing to be imagined, and lucien halted himself mid stride, becoming as still as the north mountains. "could it be that the gods have played us again?" he remembered asking her that very first reunion. his tipped ears swiveled in her direction, and lucien finally shifted away from the horizons to let his silvery eyes find her face. gods, invidia was timeless; some things never changed, yet she had the sharp features of a woman where a girl once stood. there was a great stirring in his chest as he was thrust back to the reality of where he was, that his family was not actually beside him, yet he was not alone as he expected to be. "nor i you," he said quietly.

he had waited for her for quite some time, but when she didn't find him, lucien had all but assumed it was her way of punishing him. he never blamed her for it, either, because he knew what he had done to her all those years ago and he'd worn the regret of it all for all this time. as a colt, his father made sure that he was hard wired to love his betrothed more than life itself. maybe it was to live so vicariously through the boy, or maybe it was fear of him making the same mistakes. for a time, rhoswen was his greatest love, he wouldn't deny that to spare someone else's feelings. still, there had been a part of him that never stopped thinking, hoping, wanting invidia. as children, they played & found comfort in one another. as teenagers, she lit a fire in his belly that even his desert diamond wife would've never matched.

lucien watched rhos burn in those flames until they were separated.

part of her had always known, he assumed, that she would never hold that piece of him though it didn't stop her from trying. vidi's face set the course of his life when their homelands burned down. she was the reason he didn't return. for even if his queen survived, his father was gone. nobody to tell him where his heart should lie, nobody to force his hand. lucien sighed then, breaking his eyes away from her to look down into the waters beneath his feet. the stallion, for once, was lost for words. still, he found his voice, blonde tendrils rested against him in the stillness. "and yet here you are."   

art by allyantidote
kota  crying screaming
throwing up !!!!

[kota]

INVIDIA

Childhood had never been kind to Invidia. She would have cherished nothing more than a loving upbringing, something vibrant with the warm emotions that came with having her family close. Instead she was graced with a princely father and a narcissistic mother. Neither of which sought to form a relationship with her beyond the basic necessities that came with ensuring she lived to see adulthood. In short, they had better things to do than play with a child. Which was how she found herself closest to her grandfather before she left. Nexus, while often emotionally unavailable at least made sure she had been fed, educated, and accounted for. Thinking of him plucked at tender memories, it felt like picking at a scab. Impulsive and often without benefit.

The lakeside castle had been just as much her home as it had been her prison. While Xella and Lear had successfully kept the spotlight aimed safely away from her, keeping her safe from the expectant stares of her elders. They had felt leagues above her then, she wondered where they were now. Who they were now. They probably were not alone as she was. They were probably off conquering some foreign kingdom. A legacy worth following while she spirited herself away to distant and unknown lands. She’d become well acquainted with the art of disappearing, first as a means to indulge her curiosity and now as a way of surviving. However, one can only run so far and for so long before fate catches up. And now with her initial temptation, her ruinous cardinal sin standing beside her. She felt the gods' heavy stare.

She watched him still, allowing her to catch up, giving her cerulean eyes time to glide across the tension in the golden landscape of his broad shoulders. Something akin to fondness speared through her abdomen, not entirely unwelcome. She stood quietly on his left side, near enough to bump him with her own if she so chose. She watched the turn of his ears from her periphery, only willing to tilt her face toward him when he did the same. Letting herself drink him in, like a dying man lost in the desert, desperate for the salvation just a sip of water could bring.

It was like a punch to the gut. Gods, he was beautiful, just as he had been that very first time she’d laid eyes on him. But he had been softer then, not as he was now, now he was devastating. And for Invidia this was just another brutal reminder of something she was not allowed to want, something she’d been led to believe that she never deserved. She’d already turned away from him twice. It had been so much easier to leave the first time than it had the second. At least the first time it hadn’t felt like her choice, she could place the blame on overbearing parents and arranged marriages. But the second time had been her own choice, still fresh as a violet bruise, something to press to remind herself of her shortcomings.

But he was here now wasn’t he? She couldn’t possibly be expected to walk away from him again. It was not something she would have the strength to do again. Luci had always held the key to her heart, the very same one that she kept chained tightly within her chest. It had always been a matter of whether or not he’d use it, whether or not she would let him. So instead of facing the depths of her emotions she hid away again. She had acted as a coward and it had haunted her for months. Countless times she’d had to stop herself from seeking him out, hunting him down. There were better things out there for boys like him, much better than girls like her with her fickle feelings and weary heart. “Nor I you,”

What she could only describe as hope flared in her chest. A feeling so often smothered and extinguished as soon as it was set alight, a phoenix in the ashes. She let out a soft exhale, composinging herself. There was still plenty of time for her to find a way to ruin this. To self sabotage just like she always did. It wasn’t as if she deserved his time, his forgiveness. She had become a ghost in his life twice now after all. But that didn’t mean she didn’t want his forgiveness. He was the only person whose approval had ever really mattered to her. Yet time and time again she had set him up for disappointment, a ruthless cycle of abandonment, a damning character flaw.

Maybe this was her chance to master her fear, to swallow it whole, forget about it entirely. But she’d have to wade through her own apologies first. The words had begun bubbling up, threatening to leave the calm mask she’d schooled her features into. Lucien broke the tension first, leveling his gaze back at the water that shifted rhythmically around them. She found herself holding her breath. “And yet here you are.”

Invidia chewed on the inside of her cheek. Anxious, nervous, whatever feeling it was that set her heart off into its erratic race. That’s what she was feeling. Deep down she had always known this day would come and so she readied herself for words she wasn't sure she'd ever be ready to say, until now. “I should have come back for you.” Her tail flicked uneasily, long tendrils flickering around her ankles, the most obvious sign of her discomfort. “I wanted to…" She chewed on the inside of her cheek again drawing blood. "I meant to…" She sighed shakily, her next words felt like an admission at knife-point. "I was a coward.”  Her stomach roiled, sick with the truth of her own self loathing. She turned her face fully toward him brandishing whatever courage she had left. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I left. I’m sorry that I hurt you. In fact I’m sorry for all of it.”

ELODIE!  holy fuck bois

[ELODIE!]

L U C I E N
in light
of the
bleak
midwinter

albeit the heaviness in his chest, the golden stallion couldn't help but feel like this was right. invidia took up space beside him and he wondered if she, too, would feel the relinquished full circle of their lives leading up to it. when they were children, they stood next to one another in comfort and now, what? lucien felt as if he would break at any moment. the regret of not allowing her this space prior to this flashed in his opaque gaze, wearing the shame of his fathers choices as he always did. alas, they were no longer just children back in mustang. things had changed, people had come and gone, and there they stood together. he realized in that moment that his gods had, in fact, played him once more.

lucien could feel the fraying of her nerves from where he stood. they bled into him like vinegar on a wound, causing a slight shift. his silver eyes turned to her just as she began to speak, and he wanted to beg her to stop. don't say it. don't bring it up -- but before he could even consider deterring her, her voice hit him like a train. "i should have come back for you," she started. the stallion shifted himself just enough to drink her in without craning his neck, lips parting to speak, but she again allowed him no time. it was the first time in their lives she had ever said something like it. "i wanted to... i meant to..." luci turned his head away, choking back the anger that he had thought long lost to him.

even in this fragile moment, invidia calling herself a coward ignited something in his chest. if it were someone else speaking on her so poorly, he would've cracked their jaw without a second thought.

don't, his mind said.

but she did; "i'm sorry," 

his little world crumbled atop him in that moment.

"i'm sorry that i left,"

don't.

"i'm sorry that i hurt you,"

please, don't.

"in fact, i'm sorry for all of it."

he could've screamed.

gods, he wanted to hate her in the way that he had all that time ago. he wanted to dissipate into nothingness as he had when she left him standing there in the home he had so chosen for them. there were tears welling in his silver eyes, but lucien turned his own face away from her to not threaten them falling. the stallion tried to control his breaths. one, two, three... his mind repeated.

but he couldn't hate her. he couldn't hate her for disappearing into herself when lucien had let everyone else decide his feelings for him. he could've been better for her, with her. rhoswen was lost to his void and for some time, vidia was too. but here she was; beside him as their gods intended. they played him with choices; will you, won't you's? but lucien would not let them win this time. carefully, the stallion leaned back into his heels, letting his body sway just slight so that his golden flank rested beside her rosy barrel. swallowing, voice crackling from the emotion, he shrugged. "i broke you first," he said. simple: it was the matter of the fact. "i let you go. i chose her, my father, my duties, and did nothing to stop you." looking unto the shoreline, luci couldn't help the solemn laugh that came from his throat. "i am as selfish as my father was. i'd have rather you stand by to watch me have the world if it meant you were there - you chose yourself. you needn't apologize for that." he meant it, though he'd never said it before.

"i'm sorry," the stallion said after a long pause. "i'm sorry. it was you, vidi. always you, even if i didn't want to believe it."

art by allyantidote
kota  this took 4 separate drafts and i still hate it

[kota]

INVIDIA

Invidia and Lucien had always been celestial bodies, caught in the gravitational push and pull of their station. Lucien, and all his potential had been received by Mustang like the birth of a star while Invidia had shared common attributes with a comet. Bright, burning, fleeting. Only meeting resistance when she’d gotten caught up in his gravitational pull, the salvation of his smile greeting her like the welcoming beam of a lighthouse to a ship on stormy seas. A moth to a flame. She knew Lucien would attribute these chance meetings to the dance of the gods, the weaving of the fates. Invidia was not sure what to think, she’d never wanted to accept the responsibility of being a pawn in some unknown god’s game of chess.

She might have attributed this encounter to luck or at the very least manifestation. He had always tugged at the corners of her subconscious mind, ever present despite the miles and miles she had purposefully placed between them. The notion had been reinforced in her mind as they stood moored in the shallows. Here they were again, another earth shattering reunion along the backdrop of yet another beach. The irony was not lost on her. But the last time felt as though it had happened a lifetime ago, the children they had once been simply past lives in the grand scheme of things.

Still, there was not a single reinvented version of herself that would have been prepared for this. The shock of her apology had rendered him speechless and she could have sworn she felt him slipping through her fingers again. She should have known better, they had never been the kind for apologies. Invidia generally saved her apologies for last resorts, last ditch efforts. This one stole away from her like a living thing, even as his lips parted as if to interrupt, she couldn’t very well stop now.

When did everything become so messy? When had she become so afraid of her own feelings? At what point had she stopped allowing herself the luxury of feeling? Because that was what had convinced her to leave the isle after his return— the complication of her own emotions. The vastness of her affection for him yawning like the beast that it was, finally beginning to awaken after lying dormant for so long. She had felt her own yearning so intensely that she couldn’t bear the thought of being left again. The only way to avoid being left is to leave first. Her mother had taught her that.

And now he couldn’t even stand to look at her. The ache in her chest grew sharp, threatening to cleave her in two. Her jaw clenched, cerulean eyes shifting upward to look into the light of the day. The blinding light of the sun working in tandem with her fluttering lashes to blind away the sensation of oncoming tears. Then he was shifting at her side, dangerously, precariously close. She held her breath as if waiting for a heavy blow. “I broke you first,” She was going to be ill.

While Lucien had been the one to drive the final nail into the coffin he hadn’t been the one to build it in the first place. Her departure had been nothing but a strategic orchestration, a well executed plan by her guardians. Though she had always suspected that they had just been the messengers. None of them had ever seemed to care about her actions until they began to reflect back on them.

It had started with Ida, who had become fixated on the state of her daughter’s reputation. As if she’d ever cared before. Invidia could tell you with certainty that she hadn’t. But with the rate at which idle gossip spread around the country club there was a lot to be assumed and it certainly hadn’t fallen on deaf ears. Ida would not settle for her daughter indulging in blatant promiscuity, it was an embarrassment to her status to have such an unruly sot of a child. With the pressure of the other high born ladies bolstering her agitation Ida decided that something must be done about it and so came the name calling. By this point Invidia had heard it all. Whether it was whispered by her peers or shouted hatefully by her mother: harlot, floozy, slut. Among a myriad of other more inventive nicknames that had been thrown in her face far before she had ever done anything to warrant it. Sure, it had hurt her feelings in the beginning, but she’d become numb to it after awhile. Besides, she could see right through their jealous hate and insecurities, even Ida’s.

Then the lecturing began. It had only been a matter of time before Isardis got involved. As a father, Isardis had never been truly present. Invidia would have described him as Nexus’s glorified errand boy, never to his face of course. But he certainly knew his way around a verbal reprimand, unsurprising for a man raised by Nexus. When the verbal sparring had gotten him nowhere he’d tried to restrict her freedom, forbidding her to leave the lakeside castle. To which she replied “good luck” and went back to ignoring him as he did her.

That was when Nexus had stepped in, to Invidia’s complete and utter surprise. It was shortly after great uncle Iscariot had announced Lucien’s engagement to his daughter, Rhoswen. Nexus had found her sulking about the castle and implored her to leave, just for the season, a year max. He had made arrangements with another high born family to host her. Nexus explained to her that tensions would die down, that people tend to forget after a while. She would be welcome home as soon as everything blew over. The days leading up to her departure she hadn’t stepped a toe out of line, though she had been itching to. She just needed one last hit, one last meeting with her golden boy. Little did she know, her luck had run out. Lucien’s hand had been forced, her heart becoming collateral damage. It turns out that Nexus had been looking out for her after all.

He shrugs and she is drawn back to the present by the movement, she braces herself. “I let you go. I chose her, my father, my duties, and did nothing to stop you.” She managed to choke out a laugh, or maybe it was a sob. “I am as selfish as my father was.” He wasn’t. His father's selfishness had gotten them into this mess in the first place. “I’d have rather you stand by to watch me have the world if it meant you were there - you chose yourself.” And she had considered it. “You needn’t apologize for that.” She felt the breath she’d been holding rush out of her. Ready to contradict, ready to defend him to himself. They had been children, their decisions had been made for them. It hadn’t been his fault. Then he was apologizing too. “I’m sorry.” Her eyes welled dangerously close to tears. She would not cry. She would not cry. She would not cry. “I’m sorry. It was you, Vidi. Always you, even if I didn’t want to believe it.” A single tear trailed down the plane of her rosy cheek.

Invidia’s mind was a swirling tempest. So many things to say but none of the words felt right, she would start with the question at the forefront of her mind. “Is it still me, Lucien?” He was close enough to touch and Invidia was becoming desperate in her need to be close to him, to lean into him. She refrained. “Can it be us?” Cerulean eyes turned toward him, searching. “I won’t run this time, I promise.”

ELODIE! & oh fuck

[ELODIE!]

L U C I E N
in light
of the
bleak
midwinter

it had been some years since he'd felt his father's scrutinous gaze. yet, standing there beside invidia, there was no mistaking the gods looking down at him with cautionary woes. there was not a soul left on this earth that could stop him now, so what was the feeling in his chest? lucien had built his entire life around being the heir to charlie's throne. over 20 years, the bastard king had carefully made his bed. he made choices, though not all were sound or sane of mind, all of which would carry his children into greatness. out of all of his sons, it was lucien he bestowed the rite to. from charlie's allies, to his greatest enemies, they knew the colt as none other than the prodigal son. how was a boy to live with such a title? and adrasteia, telling him to follow his heart and in the same breath to be a good prince.

when iscariot announced his betrothal to rhoswen, he could recall how heavy his heart had felt. a calculated move on the kings part, surely influenced by charlie's desperation to deter his sons frivolous affairs. the colt had begged his mother to talk to him -- give him time, enough time to make things right of all he had fucked up. adrasteia looked onto him mournfully, kissed his forehead and said she was sorry. his mother was the only one in his world who understood the burden of it all enough to show him grace, but even her weight could not save him from it. she had tried, countless times as he had, to change charlie's mind. it never mattered, not until it was too late. he knew now as life moved on that he should've hated his father for all he had done to him.

how could he? was charlie not merely a boy when he was conditioned to be a king, too? lucien always wondered what his father was like back in his day. a stallion of many names and none of them all too kind, but the colt had always felt affirmed that he saw a side to the king that was unbeknownst to all. something ... less broken. their little family was his only happiness in the end, finally granted a life worth living. charlie had tried many a times to find love, happiness, a sense of purpose. enough times that he had broken more than his fair share of hearts. sometimes, luci questioned what happened to his once-queen simba or their son, fiyero. calla had been poisoned from a young age against her mom, too much like charlie, so much so that he wondered why it was he who was named heir in her stead. but calla, too, had a mind of her own. surely it was why she was never good enough, no matter how much their father favored her. 

and that same desperation knew few bounds. lucien remembered slipping away in the quiet of the night, heading straight for invidia. charlie stopped him before he reached the border. there they stood: father and son, a whirlwind of wickedness in it's own respect.

"i will not let you ruin your life," charlie said. "it is my life to ruin, is it not?" the colt retorted.

fire and ice, to and fro, water and oil.

back, and forth.

lucien felt no shame using his brute strength to push passed the older stallion that night in the same way that his father felt no shame in stopping him in his tracks. "i swear to you, boy, she will be dead by sun up if you take another step." within seconds, all of the air left the colts lungs. it was not the first time charlie would break his sons heart, nor would it be the last. it had changed the course of their relationship so severely that he could barely look at his mother for a time. the colt never made it to invidia before she left for fear his father meant his word. 

and if you asked around? charlie always made good of his promises.

standing beside her in that moment, lucien could give a fuck less about what his gods had to say about it or what charlie would have thought. he held onto the hope that his mother was smiling down unto them as if it was her hand that placed them together. from his peripherals, the dunalino stallion could see the tears as they welled in vidi's eyes, breath hitching in his lungs. before he could speak words of comfort, she broke the silence. "is it still me, lucien?" there was no question -- it had always been her. "can it be us?" wasn't it always? "i won't run this time." please, don't. "i pomise." the stallion's silvery gaze met hers. he shifted to lean into her again, this time enough so that his body rested into her. the sorrow on his face dissipated, a smile making way to his ashen lips. "i pray the gods do not separate us again. for in death, they will be who is asking for forgiveness," he said. "let it be us. let it be our turn."                

art by allyantidote
kota  goodbye